And then, a reply came: "Will miss you too. Any ideas what causes these headaches?"
At first, I just said something about stress but I knew that the asker was genuinely concerned, genuinely asking and not being polite. And somehow, it all tumbled out:
I have a negative script that I've been running in my head since childhood and it colors how I deal with other stressors that come my way. This weekend it resulted in the perfect storm of emotional upset.
Later that evening, I was searching for a new bible study. And I was especially interested in a particular one about being the wife your husband wants. I was reading the reviews and seriously concerned that the study might make me feel like I wasn't enough because I'm not a wife by vocation. And then I remembered the end of the whopper of the argument I had with my husband. "You ARE the wife that I want. I'm the luckiest guy. " Hmmmm....shouldn't he be the judge of whether I am a good enough wife? You know, he says all the time that I'm a great wife and I always say I'm not. What? Why am I not soaking that in?
So I thought I would find another bible study, maybe one for moms, maybe one about not filling ourselves up with food instead of God, maybe......have you ever noticed how many bible studies are about changing ourselves? They are really like the self help section of a bookstore except that I am specifically asking God to change me and looking for someone to tell me what God has said about any particular struggle I'm having.
I am not generally one of those people that just studies the bible without someone else's guidance but I'm on a new quest--a quest to soak in just what God says about me, a quest to truly accept all this love that is lavished on me, a quest to push away the negative script that has run far too long in the background of my head.
How would my life change if every single moment of my life I knew in my head and my heart that God formed me in the womb and that he has plans for my good?
Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV) “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
God was calling Jeremiah to be a prophet. So does this verse apply to me? Did God know me before he formed me in the womb? We had a discussion in church the other night about how Satan often asks us to question if we really understood what God said or asks us, "Did God really say that?" That's kind of how I feel about this verse. I love this verse. I love the beauty of knowing that God knows us long before birth but I've recently wondered if it didn't just apply to Jeremiah because God and Jeremiah were having a private conversation. What right do I have to inject myself in there?
Really? Would God only take part in the formation of Adam, Eve, and Jeremiah and just leave the rest of us to coincidence/fate? I don't think so. I'm not a biblical scholar. I'm not even going to try to study the language on this one. I'm trying to marinate in this one, not memorize it; I've already done that. I want to marinate in it. I want to constantly dwell on it and let it overcome the negative swarm.
Lord, help my unbelief.